Friday, May 8, 2009

Fun with MS Word

As much as I hate to admit it, I absolutely love Microsoft Word. I especially like the "Find and Replace" function. Just for shits and giggles, I substituted some nouns in the following recent AP story:

FINDLAY, Ohio – A student at a fundamentalist Baptist school that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, his principal said. Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Frost, who has never been to a dance before, said heplans to attend Findlay High School's prom Saturday.

Frost, a senior at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year, principal Tim England said.

The teen, who is scheduled to receive his diploma May 24, would be suspended from classes and receive an "incomplete" on remaining assignments, England said. Frost also would not be permitted to attend graduation but would get a diploma once he completes final exams. If Frost is involved with alcohol or sex at the prom, he will be expelled, England said.

Frost's stepfather Stephan Johnson said the school's rules should not apply outside the classroom. "He deserves to wear that cap and gown," Johnson said.

Frost said he thought he had handled the situation properly. Findlay requires students from other schools attending the prom to get a signature from their principal, which Frost did. "I expected a short lecture about making the right decisions and not doing something stupid," Frost said. "I thought I would get his signature and that would be the end."

England acknowledged signing the form but warned Frost there would be consequences if he attended the dance. England then took the issue to a school committee made up of church members, who decided to threaten Frost with suspension. "In life, we constantly make decisions whether we are going to please self or please God. (Frost) chose one path, and the school committee chose the other," England said.

The handbook for the 84-student Christian school says rock music "is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds."

England said Frost's family should not be surprised by the school's position. "For the parents to claim any injustice regarding this issue is at best forgetful and at worst disingenuous," he said. "It is our hope that the student and his parents will abide by the policies they have already agreed to."

The principal at Findlay High School, whose graduates include Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, said he respects, but does not agree with, Heritage Christian School's view of prom. "I don't see (dancing and rock music) as immoral acts," Craig Kupferberg said.



Which became this:

KABUL, Afghanistan – A student at a fundamentalist Islamic school that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, his Mullah said. Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Achmed, who has never been to a dance before, said he plans to attend Kabul High School's prom Saturday.

Achmed, a senior at Heritage Islamic School in northwest Afghanistan, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year, Mullah Tim Fatwa said.

The teen, who is scheduled to receive his diploma May 24, would be suspended from classes and receive an "incomplete" on remaining assignments, Fatwa said. Achmed also would not be permitted to attend graduation but would get a diploma once he completes final exams. If Achmed is involved with alcohol or sex at the prom, he will be expelled, Fatwa said.

Achmed's stepfather Stephan Johnson said the school's rules should not apply outside the classroom. "He deserves to wear that cap and gown," Johnson said.

Achmed said he thought he had handled the situation properly. Kabul requires students from other schools attending the prom to get a signature from their Mullah, which Achmed did. "I expected a short lecture about making the right decisions and not doing something stupid," Achmed said. "I thought I would get his signature and that would be the end."

Fatwa acknowledged signing the form but warned Achmed there would be consequences if he attended the dance. Fatwa then took the issue to a school committee made up of church members, who decided to threaten Achmed with suspension. "In life, we constantly make decisions whether we are going to please self or please God. (Achmed) chose one path, and the school committee chose the other," Fatwa said.

The handbook for the 84-student Islamic school says rock music "is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds."

Fatwa said Achmed's family should not be surprised by the school's position. "For the parents to claim any injustice regarding this issue is at best forgetful and at worst disingenuous," he said. "It is our hope that the student and his parents will abide by the policies they have already agreed to."

The Mullah at Kabul High School, whose graduates include Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, said he respects, but does not agree with, Heritage Islamic School's view of prom. "I don't see (dancing and rock music) as immoral acts," Craig Kupferberg said.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Kung Pao Chicken: an Allegory

Kung Pao Chicken is by far the best chicken there is. I absolutely love it. I can't get enough of it.

However, I can't remember the last time I had Kung Pao Chicken, and I miss it terribly. The owner at the Chinese Buffet Restaurant I go to said that I shouldn't ever expect to see Kung Pao Chicken at the buffet again. I wish she had told me earlier, because I certainly would have appreciated the last Kung Pao Chicken I had a heck of a lot more.

People might think, "big deal, just get some Sesame Chicken or Honey Chicken instead. Chicken is chicken." This is true to a certain degree, but as any man will tell you, the best chicken is Kung Pao Chicken. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy Teriyaki Chicken as much as the next guy, but make no mistake, Teriyaki Chicken is no substitute for Kung Pao Chicken. I mean, if there were two lines, one to get Teriyaki Chicken and one for Kung Pao Chicken, I would be in that VERY long line. But, I am told, Kung Pao Chicken is no longer even an option.

Yes, I am aware I could drive into Greensboro and probably find a different buffet that would be willing to offer Kung Pao Chicken, but I would be overly concerned about the high cost and potential negative consequences, as you can never be too sure about strange Chinese Buffet Restaurants, no matter how attractive their offerings may appear to be. Besides, I am a very loyal man, and I would never think to stray from the Chinese Buffet right here in my home community. It just wouldn't be right.

So, until the owner changes her mind, I will not be getting Kung Pao Chicken anytime soon, and I guess I will have to continue to suffer. My wife would just appreciate it if I would suffer in silence.