Fun with MS Word

As much as I hate to admit it, I absolutely love Microsoft Word. I especially like the "Find and Replace" function. Just for shits and giggles, I substituted some nouns in the following recent AP story:

FINDLAY, Ohio – A student at a fundamentalist Baptist school that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, his principal said. Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Frost, who has never been to a dance before, said heplans to attend Findlay High School's prom Saturday.

Frost, a senior at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year, principal Tim England said.

The teen, who is scheduled to receive his diploma May 24, would be suspended from classes and receive an "incomplete" on remaining assignments, England said. Frost also would not be permitted to attend graduation but would get a diploma once he completes final exams. If Frost is involved with alcohol or sex at the prom, he will be expelled, England said.

Frost's stepfather Stephan Johnson said the school's rules should not apply outside the classroom. "He deserves to wear that cap and gown," Johnson said.

Frost said he thought he had handled the situation properly. Findlay requires students from other schools attending the prom to get a signature from their principal, which Frost did. "I expected a short lecture about making the right decisions and not doing something stupid," Frost said. "I thought I would get his signature and that would be the end."

England acknowledged signing the form but warned Frost there would be consequences if he attended the dance. England then took the issue to a school committee made up of church members, who decided to threaten Frost with suspension. "In life, we constantly make decisions whether we are going to please self or please God. (Frost) chose one path, and the school committee chose the other," England said.

The handbook for the 84-student Christian school says rock music "is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds."

England said Frost's family should not be surprised by the school's position. "For the parents to claim any injustice regarding this issue is at best forgetful and at worst disingenuous," he said. "It is our hope that the student and his parents will abide by the policies they have already agreed to."

The principal at Findlay High School, whose graduates include Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, said he respects, but does not agree with, Heritage Christian School's view of prom. "I don't see (dancing and rock music) as immoral acts," Craig Kupferberg said.

Which became this:

KABUL, Afghanistan – A student at a fundamentalist Islamic school that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, his Mullah said. Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Achmed, who has never been to a dance before, said he plans to attend Kabul High School's prom Saturday.

Achmed, a senior at Heritage Islamic School in northwest Afghanistan, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year, Mullah Tim Fatwa said.

The teen, who is scheduled to receive his diploma May 24, would be suspended from classes and receive an "incomplete" on remaining assignments, Fatwa said. Achmed also would not be permitted to attend graduation but would get a diploma once he completes final exams. If Achmed is involved with alcohol or sex at the prom, he will be expelled, Fatwa said.

Achmed's stepfather Stephan Johnson said the school's rules should not apply outside the classroom. "He deserves to wear that cap and gown," Johnson said.

Achmed said he thought he had handled the situation properly. Kabul requires students from other schools attending the prom to get a signature from their Mullah, which Achmed did. "I expected a short lecture about making the right decisions and not doing something stupid," Achmed said. "I thought I would get his signature and that would be the end."

Fatwa acknowledged signing the form but warned Achmed there would be consequences if he attended the dance. Fatwa then took the issue to a school committee made up of church members, who decided to threaten Achmed with suspension. "In life, we constantly make decisions whether we are going to please self or please God. (Achmed) chose one path, and the school committee chose the other," Fatwa said.

The handbook for the 84-student Islamic school says rock music "is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people's hearts and minds."

Fatwa said Achmed's family should not be surprised by the school's position. "For the parents to claim any injustice regarding this issue is at best forgetful and at worst disingenuous," he said. "It is our hope that the student and his parents will abide by the policies they have already agreed to."

The Mullah at Kabul High School, whose graduates include Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, said he respects, but does not agree with, Heritage Islamic School's view of prom. "I don't see (dancing and rock music) as immoral acts," Craig Kupferberg said.

Kung Pao Chicken: an Allegory

Kung Pao Chicken is by far the best chicken there is. I absolutely love it. I can't get enough of it.

However, I can't remember the last time I had Kung Pao Chicken, and I miss it terribly. The owner at the Chinese Buffet Restaurant I go to said that I shouldn't ever expect to see Kung Pao Chicken at the buffet again. I wish she had told me earlier, because I certainly would have appreciated the last Kung Pao Chicken I had a heck of a lot more.

People might think, "big deal, just get some Sesame Chicken or Honey Chicken instead. Chicken is chicken." This is true to a certain degree, but as any man will tell you, the best chicken is Kung Pao Chicken. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy Teriyaki Chicken as much as the next guy, but make no mistake, Teriyaki Chicken is no substitute for Kung Pao Chicken. I mean, if there were two lines, one to get Teriyaki Chicken and one for Kung Pao Chicken, I would be in that VERY long line. But, I am told, Kung Pao Chicken is no longer even an option.

Yes, I am aware I could drive into Greensboro and probably find a different buffet that would be willing to offer Kung Pao Chicken, but I would be overly concerned about the high cost and potential negative consequences, as you can never be too sure about strange Chinese Buffet Restaurants, no matter how attractive their offerings may appear to be. Besides, I am a very loyal man, and I would never think to stray from the Chinese Buffet right here in my home community. It just wouldn't be right.

So, until the owner changes her mind, I will not be getting Kung Pao Chicken anytime soon, and I guess I will have to continue to suffer. My wife would just appreciate it if I would suffer in silence.

Charles Davenport is a schmuck!

Here is the link to Charles Davenport's recent article in the Greensboro News-Record

http://www.news-record.com/content/2009/04/17/article/charles_devportjr_where_s_the_outrage#nrcBlk_ArtComments

Here is my response:

In his recent editorial to your newspaper, Charles Davenport Jr. asks’ where's the outrage?’ over the Tax-and-spend government, which 'defies the law'. I will save the Constitutionality of health care reform and Davenport's other concerns of the 'Nanny State' for another day, but I will say this: 'promote the general welfare' is in the preamble to the Constitution. Health care reform is crucial to the overall health of our nation's economy, because like education, health care is by nature becoming more expensive relative to the cost of other goods in our economy.

So, the top 1 percent pays 39 percent of all federal income taxes. This is true. However Davenport and others who throw this out are being intellectually dishonest when they don't discuss the following salient points: the reason why the richest one percent pay 39 percent of all federal income taxes is because their incomes have more than tripled since 1979. Who would Davenport have pay more taxes, someone whose real income has risen by 1.2 million dollars, or someone whose income has risen by one thousand dollars, all the way up to $17,200 such as the bottom quintile? The fact of the matter is, the effective tax rate for the richest one percent has actually decreased nearly 6% since 1979. Tax cut for the rich long overdue? Mr. Davenport, it's already happened, but I'm guessing you know that, given your familiarity with CBO data.

In my work, I serve people in the bottom 20% of the economic ladder every day, and they are anything but 'slothful' or 'indolent'. May Davenport and others who disagree with me never have to choose between taking their child to the doctor for needed care or going to work to get a full paycheck, so gas for their twenty year old car can be purchased and the light bill can get paid in their rented single-wide, or the scores of other harsh decisions poor families face on a daily basis.

What I am concerned about is you don't see the top 5% at these 'Tea Parties'; it is those who stand to benefit from Obama's tax proposed tax policy. So, why do these 'Tea Party' participants continue to support policies against their own economic best interests? I think I know, but that, too, I will save for another day.

5 Reasons Why I am a Liberal

I was recently challenged to come up with five reasons I am a liberal by my R-W-N-J friend Lori. Not one to back down from a challenge, I submit the following:

1. I believe in what a 'liberal' is defined to be: one who subscribes to a broad class of political philosophies that considers individual liberty and equality to be the most important political goals. Liberalism emphasizes individual rights and equality of opportunity.

2. I believe Liberalism is more conducive to the rational scientific thought process. True Liberals are not afraid to challenge the status quo, or even their own beliefs.

3. I believe Jesus was a liberal, that the 'golden rule' is wholly congruent with values of liberalism.

4. I believe Liberalism is better prepared to change with the times, as we learn more about our world and new technologies emerge.

5. I believe Liberalism acknowledges the complexity of mankind.

Mr. Irrelevant?

No, I am not talking about the 256th player to be chosen in the NFL draft later this month. I am referring to Rush Limbaugh.

A co-worker of mine whose intelligence I have a great deal of respect for recently informed me that she adores Rush Limbaugh. Now, I have a great fondness for Rush as well. Whenever I need some ridiculously off-the-wall nonsense, I look to Rush for my amusement. I laugh, but then again I have always enjoyed perverse, gallows humor. I admire Rush, like any other good comedian, for keeping a straight face. But sadly, my esteemed co-worker likes Rush for an entirely different reason- she actually agrees with him.

That got me thinking. When much was made about Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele and others begging Rush for forgiveness after slighting the conservative talk show host, I was elated. I mean, if Rush is the de-facto leader of the Republican Party, they will continue to suffer losses at the ballot box. I mean, nobody could possibly take Rush seriously, right?

Apparently I was wrong. There is still a segment of society out there that accept Rush at his word, even though he never provides factual information to support his ridiculous rantings. According to my co-worker, during his recent speech at CPAC, Rush said that liberal policies are 'cruel' to the very people for whom liberals profess to have compassion. Now, he evidently doesn't describe which specific liberal policies are 'cruel', but that just saves him the trouble of having to create an intelligent argument to support his position.

Another canard my co-worker swallows is Rush's 'income redistribution' rant. Now, one may expect that when one casually throws this emotional sound bite around as if he were talking about his favorite Chinese Buffet restaurant, some verifiable bits of information might be included. But this is a Rush rant, and Rush rants are oil to truth's water. Don't take my word for it. It is no accident that when one Googles 'Rush Limbaugh lies', over 1.1 million hits are retrieved. So Rush is calling Obama a commie for wanting to return to Reagan-era tax policy. This, at at time when the income distribution gap has widened to 1928 levels, which Alan Greenspan (who has never been accused of being a socialist) referred to as a 'very disturbing trend'. You can't get more disingenuous than that. Admittedly, the most confounding thing to me is that I suspect my co-worker earns somewhat less than the $500,000 that is commonly used by Rush as being victimized by Obama's tax policy. I can accept dogs walking on their front paws, men wrestling crocodiles, and Cub fans, but I'll never understand why anyone would support those whose policies are in direct conflict with his or her own best interest.

To my co-worker and others who accept Rush's rantings blindly: try removing the sound bites, talking points, old , long-since-been-disproven cliches, and unverifiable 'facts' that Rush 'didn't make up', then listen to what he has to say. I submit that what is left will be the equivalent of the sound of one hand clapping- one irrelevant tree falling in a forest devoid of humanity.